Dear Charles Darwin,

As you are now unquestionably dead, I’m sure God has made you head of the evolution department up there in Heaven HQ. Oh I bet you two are having such fun watching the old creation vs evolution debate that’s going on down here, eh? Ha.

Anyhoo, as I’m fairly sure the big guy never answers his mail (seriously, dudes, even Steve Jobs answers his mail, think about it…) I thought I’d drop you a line directly.

Now, I know I’ve been banging on about cormorants lately, but that was just trivial conversation fodder, this time it’s serious.

Mosquitoes. Seriously, Charles, what the fuck? Ok, so they transmit diseases, that’s not my issue (although it may be in a few days after the incubation period is up…). That’s just a side effect of their feeding habit. Bloodsucking insects. Sure, fine, why not. There was a gap in the food chain, you needed to fill it, that’s fine by me. In fact I would happily make my own contribution to their diet if it wasn’t for the one big design flaw.

Mosquitoes have this special anaesthetic product that they inject as they bite, so that their “meal” won’t know they’re there until they’re long gone. Now that is intelligent design. Perfect. Just take what you need painlessly and move on, what a lovely, respectful way of life. A lesson to us all. Oh. Wait. Once the anaesthetic has worn off, every single bite becomes a massive, swollen red lump that itches like hell for all eternity (roughly 6-7 days).

Why? Why, Charles? Are we being punished for something? Or is this just another cock-up? Did you guys think “ah, it’s just a bug, give it to some intern, doesn’t matter”? Has the Marquis de Sade been sneaking up from Downstairs to mess with your lab while you were all out at a harp recital or something? I thought the whole unicorn/rhinoceros debacle taught you how important lab security is….

And it’s not as though you haven’t had time to think about it, and get it right. I mean mosquitoes have been around since before the dinosaurs, way back before the Big G had his trippy hippy Adam And Eve period (pun intended). I know this because that’s how Richard Attenborough made those dinosaurs in that crazy park on that island. 3 times. Now I’m not sure that they had the same annoying effect back then or if it’s a more recent addition, the films don’t mention that.

I mean, I know you weren’t around at the time, Charles, but there really is no reason why it couldn’t be corrected in the next upgrade. Can we not just live in peace with the mosquitoes? Give a little blood and be done with it? Please?

Because until then, I will actively hunt down and squash, fumigate or electrocute every single bloodsucking little fucker that I come across.

Yours itchingly,


P.S. By the way, have you seen MJ up there? Just checking…


2 thoughts on “Dear Charles Darwin,

  1. It’s good that mosquito bites are itchy otherwise we wouldn’t notice them at all and diseases like Malaria would spread without us realising what causes them, but because they know, things can be done to prevent bites so thousands and thousands of people’s lives have been saved. But they are quite annoying. x

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