Fat people are evil.
You wouldn’t want to get stuck in the seat next to them. You wouldn’t want to have to look at their exposed bodies* on the beach. And you sure as hell wouldn’t want to see them going into shops on the highstreet and buying their clothes in just any shop. Certainly not the shops you go to. Ew.
I completely understand. And on behalf of the fat community, I would like to express my sympathy to you all. Yes you. Especially those of you who complain about being “so fat” after you ate that donut last week.**
The Fat Community? Oh yes, didn’t you know? We get together to make sure there are plenty of fat people everywhere. Especially anywhere that will annoy you, cause you to tut loudly, pull disgusted or appalled faces, and in some cases yell abuse. Becase we love it.
You have no idea how much fun it is to only have the choice of the one shop*** for your clothes shopping. I mean what a relief to not have the agony of choice! Or the highly amusing times when you go to sit down on a fancy designer chair on the terrace of some fancy café and it breaks. Or you get stuck in it.
How about the warm, pleasant feeling you get when you have to ask the air stewardess for the extension belt. It’s made even better when instead of just discreetly going to get it, she turns and shouts at her colleague down the other end of the plane, just to make sure everyone knows how disgustingly fat you are.
Boy, you are missing out.
Now I’m sure at this point there are plenty of people feeling very self-riteous and smug and thinking “well why don’t you just get off your couch and stop stuffing your face with tubs of ice-cream.” Oh how right they are, those people. All fat people are all lazy bastards who do nothing all day and eat tons of greasy crap because they love being fat.
And with all the stuff I mentioned above, who can blame us? What’s not to love?
*Look. And point. And stare. And laugh.
** Seriously, shut the fuck up and go have a good shit. Your waistline will be fine.
***Thank you Evans, really, thank you, we love you, but a bit more diversity and competition would be nice. And a few less black looks, raised eyebrows or scathing comments from the salespeople in other highstreet shops if anyone over a size 14 dares to enter their shop to see if by some fluke there might be something for them in there.