CPS Anonymous

Compulsive Punning Syndrome, or CPS, is a little known, yet debilitating illness, which deserves better recognition by the wider community. This is why I have chosen to come forward and stand up to be counted. It’s about time you all knew…

My name is Kat, and I suffer from CPS.

For many years now, I have suffered from daily bouts of compulsive punning, and although I try to keep it under control here on my blog, which has the benefit of being editable, the people who are unfortunate enough to have to put up with me on a daily basis (or even an occasional basis) will know only too well the extent of my sorry state.

Probably the worst thing about CPS, apart from the puns themselves, is the randomness of the outbursts. It can happen any time, and practically anything can bring one on. Especially Tuesdays, for some reason. Alas, the quality of the puns seems to be increasingly bad. CPS is probably one of the only illnesses (other that lactose intolerance) that makes other people groan.

Being tired or nervous seems to make it exponentially worse, both in frequency and lameness of puns. Just imagine an important meeting, a job interview, or a visit to the doctor’s, you wouldn’t believe the trouble it’s gotten me  into… And that’s when the painful part kicks in: you either let it out and risk alienating everyone within earshot forever, or you hold it in and… well, no-one knows, really, but my current theory is that if you hold it in too often, you can actually die of Pun Retention. Like, properly explode. Innit.

Maybe you too know someone around you who suffers from CPS, maybe you even suffer from it yourself. It is uncurable, untreatable and unbearable. There’s even a possibility that it may be hereditary. So be supportive to those around you suffering from CPS, try to always remember that it’s not their fault, they are not doing it to hurt you, they’re not really that stupid, and they need your understanding and sympathy. If you yourself are a CPS sufferer, know that you are not alone.

And of course, the last, and possibly most frustrating part of CPS is that it will stop you thinking of even a half decent pun to end your bleeding blog post with.


One thought on “CPS Anonymous

  1. In the same way that whole races are genetically predisposed to other conditions (eg Native Americans and alcoholism), I suspect that the English are genetically predisposed to CPS.

    It’s good to have these problems brought to light by online pundits like yourself, Kat.

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