Suit up!

Businessmen are very silly creatures. Even more so when it rains.

Only since I have been working in an inner-city office have I really begun to notice how the office-workers of the western world behave. There are a few details that seem to be common to all: the smart clothes, the quick walking pace and the “I’m far too busy for this crap” look on their faces. All to be expected, I guess.

But recently I have noticed a few other things, specifically about the male yuppy (are they still called yuppies? I mean, is that still too 80’s or is it old enough to have become trendily retro again?). You often see young ladies in suits and skirts walking around in a rather surprising choice of sporty footwear, and it is quite obvious why: due to peer pressure, aesthetic considerations or a foot-fetishist boss, they wear stupidly impractical high heels in the office and any actual walking in them is painful, or at best uncomfortable. Especially in a city where, for some reason, cobbled pavements are particularly popular. So they wear their runners to walk to work and slip on the Jimmy Choos around the people they want to impress. Fair enough, I guess that’s what is called a woman’s prerogative.

But suddenly, the males are at it too! Walking around in the street in suits and runners! What the hell is the matter with you? Are you no longer men? Have you removed your testes and popped them in your manbag with your leather shoes? Men’s dress shoes are as comfortable as anything to walk around a city in! I should know, I used to have to wear them before some shoe shops realised that women could sometimes reach a colossal size 8! Why on earth do you need to change your shoes?

Honestly, the whole point of being a man is that you don’t have to endure all the stupid crap we girls have to go through! And now you’re waxing and plucking and carrying handbags and wearing make-up… Why? Why would you want to do that? Besides, the whole metrosexual thing is, like, sooo 2005, darlings, what are you thinking?

The other rather un-manly thing they seem to indulge in, these suited clones, is the use of not only umbrellas but incredibly large golf umbrellas. The kind that mean anyone else has to jump off the pavement into the oncoming traffic if they encounter one coming the other way. What is it with these gigantic beach parasols? Is it a size thing, boys? Over-compensating much? Are you protecting the finely crafted hairdo that you spent all of 3 minutes and a handful of gel creating? Or are you showing off that you not only work for Kockwadd and Bollocksson Ltd, but they love you so much that they gave you a whole umbrella. A whole golf umbrella for you and you alone!

Wow.

No, just wow.

Guys, please, in the name of what little manhood you have left, I’m begging you: get over yourselves.

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