Theory of Dunkability

It has been widely acknowledged by major scientific authorities* that the measure of a civilisation’s cultural and spiritual advancement is defined by their recognition of the concepts of right and wrong.

A simple test of this is to ask them to drink water from a mug. If they roll their eyes in horror and flatly refuse (unless of course all the glasses are dirty or broken), they can be considered to be an enlightened society. If they accept without hesitation or question, they should all be shot.

For centuries now, the great minds of the scientific world have pondered and probed this fact of life, but until today, nobody had cracked the Great Question: why? Why is it so wrong to drink water, or, say, fruit juice, from a mug? We all agree that it IS, no-one would dare question that. No-one. But why, exactly is it wrong?

The key to today’s groundbreaking discovery is milk. For a long time, it was thought that the simple question of the temperature of the liquid was the defining factor for mug acceptability. Not so. Cold milk can be drunk from a mug or a glass. And yet there is a difference between these two recipients in the case of cold milk that provided the Answer.


When given a glass and a mug, both containing cold milk, and a number of suitably dunkable biscuits, a batch of test subjects consistently dunked their biscuits in the mug of milk, rather than the glass. Cocoa, coffee, tea, all dunking liquids, and all mug-compatible. You wouldn’t dunk a biscuit in water, Ribena or juice, would you? Would you? Of course not. The very idea is quite tummy-wrenching!

In case any further proof was require of this indisputable theory, here is a table:

Beverage Mug Glass Dunkable
Coffee x x
Tea x x x
Cocoa x x
Horlicks x x
Water x
Fruit juice x
Fruit squash x
Milk (warm) x x x
Milk (cold) x x x


*See the 2009 edition of the Almanach of Sweeping Generalisations, Chapter 7: justification of random scientific bullshit.


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